AnotherAngelOfGodRedeemed

To begin, I am writing this while staying for the time being at a battered women's refuge. I am 45 yrs old. Single now, no kids and I really need to share my testimony with anyone that is seriously desiring to know who they really are. I have news from God for you. You see He's been telling me things about Himself and who I am in Christ Jesus. I have been asking questions all my life like "Why am I here?" And "Is there really a God?" and "How do you make yourself believe without a doubt using this thing called faith?" By the way if you believe in something then you HAVE FAITH THAT IT EXISTS. So its not really hard to believe there is a God. Also things like, "What does it mean to be a Christian?" and "What is the meaning of life and how do I fit into it?" "What is my calling or purpose?" God has finally answered me in so many revelational ways. Seven weeks ago I tried to commit suicide, (and not for the first time either), because I had finally after 30 years of what I can only describe as constant battles, a war was going on in my mind, I reached the end of my rope. Even though I swore to God I would never take my own life, I was so exhausted I had to admit to myself and to God that I had finally given up. I had to admit to myself, defeat, which I swore I would never do again. I thought I'd been in control all along and realized for the first time I truly and absolutely had no idea anymore of what I was doing and began to realize and understand that I was actually way out of control and had never truly been in control. I had been living in a false reality in a desert land of thoughts and denial, spiritually starving to death, which will and for me did, cause all sorts of physical symptoms such as Fibromyalgia, which is chronic pain and fatigue, depression, irritable bowel syndrome, Insomnia, etc., and mental illnesses too. Such as Bi-Polar type I, Acute Panic and Anxiety Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and Borderline Personality and Mood Disorders and Psychoses. I was quite delusional and hallucination was my state of mind. I was in a constant state of terror, shock, and confusion because God was waking me up! He told me that we can and do claim/cause our own diseases from stunted, spiritual and emotional non-growth. Only He can truly heal you by gifting you with His knowledge. We get stuck or sidetracked in the journey of life and end up many times stranded on life's highway. It seems like our progress is tormentingly slow. This is a terrifying place to be stuck, at any age.
You see my problem began so early in my childhood I never stood a chance from the beginning. My three brothers and I, (and my mom), were and had been being systematically and severely abused in horrible ways: physically beat, sexually, emotionally and spiritually, which WILL cause physical death before the actual time you're called home by The Father. When a child has not dealt with abandonment issues and has had their knowledge, or ideas of whats supposed to feel "safe" or "secure" inside their minds messed with, they learn "not to trust", and these issues run deep.
This WILL CAUSE you to make many poor decisions in your life resulting in bad or toxic relationships, (we never learned how to truly love and this knowledge can only come from God anyway). Some knowledge can hurt or hinder you until your ready to deal with what's happened to you. My mother and father had also been abused by their parents and this is one of the curses of the generations talked about in the Bible that is passed down.
Anyway, I was coming down off 13 years of IV meth and prescription drug use, hallucinating, by seeing myself covered in tiny pieces of glass all over my skin, even felt it in my eyes. It felt so real I even saw it when I looked in my mirror and ended up picking all the eyelashes out of my left eye and most out of my right eye too. I began weeping for the first time in many, many years. Sometimes when you've been abused in so many ways and for so long you never actually truly feel much of anything at all, you are numb.
You learn how to systematically shut down and never show your real feelings and you end up in the land of confusion, stuck in time emotionally dead and spiritually lost. Acting out emotional pain expressed as intense rage and/or other uncontrolled high risk behaviors.
So I made myself throw up begging God to please forgive me and made up my mind that moment that I was going to somehow try to live instead of die.
I went to my psychiatrist appt that day and told her what I'd done, knowing that by law she would have no choice but to commit me into the psychiatric unit of the local hospital, which she did.
You see the meds I'd od'ed on were for my mental illnesses. Not only had I been doing IV drugs for 13 years, but my junkie boyfriend had been severely emotionally battering me worse and worse the whole time and I didn't even realize I was being abused because he wasn't physically beating me.
I was only off the meth for 4 days when my brain began to wake up as if I'd been asleep for a long, such a very long, long time. I remember being aware now of the feeling that I have been being trained for the purpose I am alive. There is not much I haven't tried or done experienced. He has answered all my prayers finally! I am truly on fire for God and for the first time I know who I am in His eyes. We've all got a job to do so stop hem-hawing around and get down to the business of spreading His message of ETERNAL LOVE, LIFE, AND BLESSINGS BEYOND COMPARE! Hallelujah to the Lamb of God and may He rain down the True blessings of your life. Keep on praying and I promise that He will answer you. You don't get anywhere by being silent when it comes to spreading His message. If He's done stuff for you and you've had prayers answered, let me know and put it on your facebook page. There are 4 basic questions He's instructed me to ask myself. What is it in my life that is sin to me. Anything that you think would keep you separated from hearing His voice in your life. You don't have to go to Bible College before you start talking to Him or before you can hear his voice for yourself. Just ASK and you SHALL RECEIVE. And keep on asking with sincerity of heart wanting to get to know Him by beginning at least the first 10 min. of your day thanking Him for what you ALREADY HAVE! Learn HOW TO OBEY HIS INSTRUCTIONS IN THE BIBLE and you WILL EXPERIENCE HIS AWESOME POWER AND YOU'LL FIND OUT WHAT TRUE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS.
GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU.
EMAIL ME AT: AnotherAngelOfGodRed

eemed@gmail.com